BREAKING NEWS
June 27, 2007
Hey, Paris! What Are You Going to Do Now?
She is free, but are we?

Questions, you likely have them, but if not, do not e-mail us about obsessive media coverage of the Hilton Affair. We are so beyond that now. The vortex is too powerful. All matter in the universe? It is her plaything. Unknown life forms in a galaxy far, far away are currently scrolling through paparazzi pics.

Questions: Paris Hilton is out of the clink and back in the big house. The celebrity heiress was released from county jail shortly after midnight Tuesday after serving three tumultuous weeks for repeatedly violating the terms of her probation in a drunk-driving case. So, how did she look? She looked absolutely fabulous. She changed in a hallway bathroom at the jail into a chic sage short-sleeved jacket over skinny jeans and serious heels, naturally. Lip gloss? Check. Blond hair in a braid over her right shoulder, looking very Heidi, very "Sound of Music." As opposed to her usual rather porny nightclub appearance, Hilton looked fresh-faced, almost innocent.

That sucking sound? That is the vortex. And now? "God," Hilton tells Barbra Walters, "has released me."

Specifically, what is the millionaire star of "The Simple Life" thinking of next? We were thinking more crass exploitation. But no. In her jailhouse phoners with Walters and Ryan Seacrest of E! News, Hilton said she would like to donate her celebrity to the challenges of breast cancer or perhaps multiple sclerosis."

As Hilton told Seacrest, "I just realize that the media used me to make fun of and be mean about," assuming, perhaps quite rightly, that a gigantic superbubble of mass amnesia had erased all memories of her "Simple Life" reality TV persona, in which she impersonated a fantastically wealthy spoiled airhead brat in order to lampoon the hog-slopping yokels. As Hilton put it to Seacrest, "Frankly, I'm sick of it. I want to use my fame in a good way."

Upon her release from the slammer, Hilton was met by her mom and dad, the older heirs Kathy and Nick Hilton, and a giddily crazed crush of paparazzi, who swarmed their black SUV with cameras, pleading "Paris! Just one word! Paris," as if she were the oracle for our strange times. Hilton rolled down the window and told the press, "I'm great." She looked happy, and composed, far different from the last time she was seen in public at the court hearing that sent her back to jail, when Hilton sat trembling and twitching, and then erupted in sobs of "Mom! It's not right!"

Hilton served almost 23 days in detention. She was originally sentenced to 45 days for violating her probation by driving on a suspended license after a plea bargain on an alcohol-related reckless driving beef. The time off? For good behavior.
Washington Post